Monstrous Regiment
Chapters - Terry Pratchett
Section: Polly Enlists As Oliver
Polly Perks cuts off her hair, dresses in her brother's clothes and slips out of The Duchess inn in the town of Munz, determined to enlist in the army as a boy named Oliver. She travels cross-country to the remote village of Plun to avoid being recognised, and signs up with the Tenth Foot Light Infantry (the Ins-and-Outs) under fat, shrewd Sergeant Jackrum and the petty, bullying Corporal Strappi. She meets her fellow recruits: Igor, a young member of the famous surgeon clan; Maladict, a reformed vampire who has sworn off blood in favour of coffee; a troll who calls itself Carborundum; and several other youths including Tonker, Lofty, Shufti, and the intensely devout Wazzer. Interspersed with the recruiting scenes, Commander Samuel Vimes of Ankh-Morpork arrives at the captured Kneck Keep and learns from his consul Clarence Chinny about the bizarre state of Borogravia - its increasingly mad god Nuggan, its probably-dead Duchess, and the tangled question of succession that could hand the country to Prince Heinrich of Zlobenia.
POV: Polly Perks·On page: Sergeant Jackrum, Corporal Strappi, Igorina, Maladict, Tonker, Lofty, Wazzer, Shufti, Jade·Mentioned: Lieutenant Blouse
Section: Marching With The Ins-And-Outs
The recruits bed down in a foul shed and set off marching at dawn. Strappi harangues and bullies the squad, particularly targeting the fragile Wazzer. He challenges Polly to a sword fight, but she headbutts him and breaks his nose, earning Jackrum's quiet approval. On the march, the squad encounters a column of wounded soldiers heading home, and Igor tends to the injured. Polly discovers that Lofty is actually a girl disguised as a boy, and realises someone in the squad knows her own secret too - a mysterious voice in the privy gave her a pair of socks to stuff down her trousers. Strappi delivers a jingoistic lecture about what they are fighting for, but the recruits' questions reveal growing doubts. In the tent that night, Maladict darkly suggests they dream of Strappi leading them into battle - from in front. The squad is beginning to bond despite their misgivings about the war.
POV: Polly Perks·On page: Sergeant Jackrum, Corporal Strappi, Igorina, Maladict, Tonker, Lofty, Wazzer, Shufti, Jade
Section: Lieutenant Blouse Takes Command
The squad arrives at the dismal depot town of Plotz, where they meet their new commanding officer, the painfully inexperienced Lieutenant Blouse, a former blanket-and-bedding clerk who has never seen combat. Blouse announces that instead of training, they will go directly to the front. Jackrum receives his discharge papers but immediately re-enlists through a legal loophole. The squad scrounges equipment from the one-armed, one-eyed, peg-legged Corporal Scallot, who gives them dead men's kit and frank advice about the realities of army life. Polly becomes Blouse's batman, discovering the lieutenant is well-meaning but hopelessly impractical. That night, Strappi deserts. At the inn, Polly discovers the staff have fled in fear of invasion. A Zlobenian cavalry patrol arrives and Polly disguises herself as a barmaid, fending off their captain before knocking him out with a cudgel. The squad captures all seven cavalrymen, and Maladict and Tonker prove their worth in the fight.
POV: Polly Perks·On page: Sergeant Jackrum, Corporal Strappi, Lieutenant Blouse, Maladict, Igorina, Tonker, Lofty, Wazzer, Shufti, Jade
Section: The Prince In Disguise
The captured enemy captain turns out to have been Prince Heinrich of Zlobenia in disguise. Blouse confronts him with surprising steel, refusing to be intimidated. Jackrum re-enlists through a quick ceremony with Scallot and takes command. A newspaper reporter named William de Worde and his vampire iconographer Otto Chriek arrive and photograph the scene. The squad strips the prisoners, takes their horses and boots, and marches away, leaving a fire-setting booby trap behind them. In the forest they discover the bodies of a charcoal-burner and his wife, murdered by deserters from their own army. Maladict's coffee supplies have been stolen - Polly deduces it was Strappi who ransacked their packs before deserting. As the squad pushes on through the woods, Polly begins to suspect that Shufti is also a girl after hearing her say 'sugar' instead of swearing, and Maladict confirms her suspicions. When Shufti admits the truth, the troll Carborundum reveals her real name is Jade - and Polly realises the entire squad may be female.
POV: Polly Perks·On page: Sergeant Jackrum, Lieutenant Blouse, Maladict, Igorina, Shufti, Jade, Tonker, Lofty, Wazzer·Mentioned: Corporal Strappi
Section: Raid On The Clacks Tower
The squad raids an enemy clacks signalling post on a hilltop, capturing coded messages and a prisoner. Polly impresses Maladict with her quick thinking during the fight. Jackrum and Blouse clash over the treatment of the prisoner, with Jackrum favouring brutal interrogation and Blouse insisting on fair treatment. The prisoner eventually escapes during the night and is killed - Polly suspects Jackrum arranged it. She confronts the sergeant by the stream; Jackrum admits he would kill to protect the squad, and reveals he sees great potential in Polly. She catches a glimpse of a gold locket around his neck. Igor reveals she is actually Igorina, a female Igor. Polly confirms Wazzer is female too when she curtsies to the Duchess's picture. As they approach the Kneck valley, the red glow of war fires fills the horizon, and Blouse spots enemy clacks signals on the hilltops.
POV: Polly Perks·On page: Sergeant Jackrum, Lieutenant Blouse, Maladict, Igorina, Wazzer, Tonker, Lofty, Shufti, Jade
Section: The Monstrous Regiment
The squad encounters William de Worde again, escorting his newspaper cart under alliance guard. Polly, Maladict and Jade ambush the party and learn devastating news: the Ins-and-Outs have been virtually destroyed, the Borogravian army is bottled up in the Kneck valley, and the squad are famous as the 'Monstrous Regiment' who humiliated Prince Heinrich. Jackrum spins extravagant lies to de Worde about Blouse being a secret military genius. Blouse astonishes everyone by demonstrating genuine brilliance about clacks technology and data compression. Otto warns Polly that Maladict's coffee deprivation will eventually cause him to revert to a full vampire. Maladict begins hallucinating. Meanwhile, in his tower at Kneck Keep, Vimes reads de Worde's dispatches via intercepted pigeon post and realises the captured 'Captain Horentz' was Prince Heinrich, setting events in motion.
POV: Polly Perks·On page: Sergeant Jackrum, Lieutenant Blouse, Maladict, Jade, Igorina, Shufti, Wazzer, Tonker, Lofty
Section: Coffee Withdrawal And Whispers
Maladict's condition worsens as coffee withdrawal triggers vivid hallucinations and Vietnam-style flashbacks. Polly delivers tea to the sentries and has revealing conversations with each squad member: Lofty and Tonker are inseparable fugitives from the Girls' Working School; Wazzer claims the Duchess speaks to her directly and has commanded her to take charge of the army; and Jackrum watches a shadowy figure - possibly a werewolf - stalking them from below. Polly experiences a hallucination of Death walking beside her. Shufti steals food from de Worde's cart, and Blouse discovers Jackrum has been inventing military regulations but chooses to play along. The squad spots enemy clacks signals and Blouse uses the captured light-tube to send false messages, brilliantly misdirecting the enemy about their position. The coded reply spells out 'INVASION' - the alliance plans to invade Borogravia.
POV: Polly Perks·On page: Sergeant Jackrum, Lieutenant Blouse, Maladict, Tonker, Lofty, Wazzer, Shufti, Jade, Igorina
Section: The Washerwomen Plan
The squad reaches the Kneck valley and scouts the formidable keep, discovering that washerwomen enter through a small back door by the river every day to do laundry for the occupying forces. Polly conceives a plan to infiltrate the keep disguised as women, but manipulates Blouse into thinking it is his own idea. To everyone's astonishment, Blouse volunteers to go in himself, dressed as a woman, citing his school theatricals experience. The squad produces hidden petticoats and scarves from their packs. Meanwhile, Wazzer's prayers lead them past a Zlobenian patrol when a wild turkey erupts at the critical moment, saving them from detection. Vimes sends Sergeant Angua as a werewolf to shadow the squad, and Corporal Buggy Swires drops a flask of coffee to them from his buzzard. Jackrum leads Polly and Shufti down into the allied camp to acquire women's clothing from the army's camp followers.
POV: Polly Perks·On page: Sergeant Jackrum, Lieutenant Blouse, Maladict, Wazzer, Tonker, Lofty, Shufti, Jade, Igorina
Section: Inside The Keep
Blouse enters the keep disguised as a washerwoman named 'Daphne' and successfully passes as female. The next morning, Polly leads Tonker, Lofty, Shufti, Wazzer and Igorina to the back entrance dressed as women. A sharp-eyed captain sees through their disguise - recognising them as men trying the old washerwoman trick - but Shufti lifts her skirt to reveal her pregnancy and Tonker bursts into convincing tears, and the embarrassed captain waves them through. Inside, they find Blouse has been working as a laundress and has a date with a guard to steal his key. The squad meets Mrs Enid, the formidable laundry mistress who knows they are women. Wazzer declares that Nuggan is dead and that the Abominations are merely echoes of collective fear. A mysterious voice seems to confirm her words with a whispered 'Yes'.
POV: Polly Perks·On page: Lieutenant Blouse, Tonker, Lofty, Shufti, Wazzer, Igorina·Mentioned: Sergeant Jackrum
Section: The Generals In The Crypt
The squad discovers a way up from the laundry through an old shaft into sealed crypts beneath the keep. In the pitch darkness, ancient dead Borogravian generals rise from their tombs, lurching towards the squad. Wazzer drops to her knees and a strange light emanates from her - the spirit of the Duchess speaks through her, commanding the undead soldiers to attention. The zombie generals form ranks and salute as the squad passes through. They emerge near the dungeons but are spotted by guards. Blouse, still in his dress, attempts a distraction but fails. Lofty constructs a flour-dust bomb from kitchen supplies, which blows the door off the cell block. The squad frees the imprisoned Borogravian officers, including Major von Moldvitz, who takes command. When Polly reveals they are all women, the horrified major has them locked in a cell by their own side.
POV: Polly Perks·On page: Lieutenant Blouse, Tonker, Lofty, Shufti, Wazzer, Igorina
Section: Jackrum's Little Lads
Major Clogston from the Provost's office interviews the squad and prepares their case for a tribunal. Before the assembled generals, Strappi - now promoted to captain as a political officer - accuses them of multiple Abominations. Clogston mounts a clever legal defence, arguing that women in dresses with short hair have committed no crime. Jackrum bursts in, magnificent in his red coat, announcing he has led a force that has retaken the main gates. He demands to speak privately to certain officers. In the most extraordinary scene of all, Jackrum walks along the line of remaining senior officers and addresses each by a woman's name - Janet, Olga, Chloe, Mildred - revealing that General Froc and over a third of the High Command are women who disguised themselves to join the army, every one of them helped along the way by 'Jackrum's Little Lads'. Jackrum threatens to expose them all unless the squad is accepted.
POV: Polly Perks·On page: Sergeant Jackrum, Lieutenant Blouse, Maladict, Corporal Strappi, Tonker, Lofty, Shufti, Wazzer, Igorina, Jade
Section: The Duchess Speaks
Wazzer, who has been unconscious and near death, suddenly rises. The spirit of the Duchess speaks through her one final time, addressing the assembled officers - confirming her own identity by recalling a ball forty years ago where she danced with the young Captain Froc. She commands the army to invade Borogravia itself, to go home and rebuild the country rather than fight on. She declares Nuggan is nothing but a poisonous echo of ignorance, and begs to be released from the prayers that have kept her tethered. Every person in the room feels a kiss on their left cheek. Polly carries the truce offer to the alliance, encounters Commander Vimes, and negotiates food aid for the starving country. She finds her brother Paul, alive and well, happily painting a buzzard with coloured chalks provided by his captors. In the courtyard, she meets Prince Heinrich and feints a kick, making him flinch in terror before the cameras.
POV: Polly Perks·On page: Sergeant Jackrum, Wazzer, Lieutenant Blouse, Maladict, Tonker, Lofty, Shufti, Igorina, Jade
Section: Sergeant Polly Rides Out
In a final private conversation, Polly confronts Jackrum, who reveals the truth at last: Jackrum is a woman who followed her sweetheart William into the army decades ago, rose through the ranks by sheer force of personality, bore a son in secret, and has spent a lifetime spotting and helping other women who joined up in disguise. Polly persuades the old sergeant to retire and visit her grown son in Scritz as his father rather than his mother. Six months later, after a fragile peace and a hard winter survived with Ankh-Morpork food aid, Polly receives a package from Jackrum containing cutlasses, a family photograph showing the sergeant surrounded by grandchildren, and a notebook listing every woman Jackrum ever helped into the army - including de Worde's business card. When word comes that Prince Heinrich is threatening invasion again, Polly dons her uniform, takes the cutlasses, and rides out to rejoin the fight - this time openly as a woman, a sergeant, and determined to change the world.
POV: Polly Perks·On page: Sergeant Jackrum, Maladict, Shufti·Mentioned: Jade, Tonker, Lofty, Wazzer, Igorina