Eric
Chapters - Terry Pratchett
Section: Death's Garden
Death is tending his bees in his private domain between the realities when he senses a disturbance - the faintest tremor, a wisp of wind, and the psychic echo of someone in mortal terror, running and screaming through dimensions they have no business being in.
Death carefully replaces the honeycomb, removes his beekeeper's veil, and retires to his study. As he focuses his gaze through the mists of time and space, he identifies the source of the disturbance with weary recognition. It is Rincewind.
Section: Ankh-Morpork Disturbance
An oppressive summer heat has paralysed Ankh-Morpork, but the stillness is shattered when something invisible races through the city, causing magical disturbances everywhere - a fortune-teller's crystal ball transforms, drinks turn into yellow elephants, and chaos erupts. The Librarian is knocked into a vat of icy water in the sub-basement where the erotic grimoires are kept.
The Council of Wizardry convenes under the elderly and befuddled Archchancellor Ezrolith Churn, with The Bursar attempting to manage the crisis. After the invisible, screaming presence disrupts their meeting, the wizards reluctantly perform the Rite of AshkEnte to summon Death, who reveals the disturbance is caused by Rincewind, trapped in the Dungeon Dimensions since the sourcerer affair and now trying to get home. Death explains it would take a million-to-one conjunction of circumstances for him to succeed. The noise stops before breakfast, and the Librarian alone mourns his missing friend and former assistant.
There has indeed been an unusual conjunction of circumstances. Someone has been watching, studying, looking for the right tools - and Rincewind opens his eyes on a wooden floor, in a firelit room that smells of brimstone.
On page: The Librarian, The Bursar, Death, The Librarian·Mentioned: Rincewind
Section: Eric's Summoning
Rincewind finds himself trapped inside a magic circle, confronted by a figure laden with protective amulets who believes he has successfully summoned a demon. The conjuror demands three wishes: mastery of the kingdoms of the world, the most beautiful woman who has ever lived, and immortality. Rincewind protests that he is not a demon and has no such powers, but the circle's binding magic holds him fast.
The conjuror reveals himself to be Eric Thursley, a demonologist from Pseudopolis - and when Rincewind spots his false beard, the truth emerges that Eric is nearly fourteen years old, a precocious boy playing with his late grandfather's occult equipment. A mangy, half-bald parrot provides sardonic commentary from its perch. Eric's mother calls him down for breakfast, leaving Rincewind alone.
Rincewind examines the demonology book and considers escape, but the parrot explains that having entered through the demonic gateway, he is subject to all its rules. Then The Luggage drops out of the empty air into the circle, convincing Eric that Rincewind truly is a demon. Eric restates his three wishes, and when Rincewind sarcastically snaps his fingers, they actually work - transporting everyone high above the Disc, where Eric surveys his new dominion and demands tribute.
On page: Rincewind, Eric Thursley, The Luggage
Section: Pandemonium
In the demon realm of Pandemonium, Astfgl, the newly crowned King of the Demons, learns that someone unknown has slipped through the summoning circle in Pseudopolis that was meant for his agent Duke Vassenego. Astfgl is furious - he had been cultivating Eric Thursley as a promising prospect for corruption, and the boy's super-intelligent gormlessness was exactly the kind of human talent Hell needed.
Astfgl, who has rejected the traditional shaggy-legged demon appearance in favour of red silk, crimson tights, and a cowl with sophisticated little horns, reviews the events through his Mirror of Souls. He discovers the interloper is someone called Rincewind, whom he assumes must be a minor demon. The King suspects old Vassenego deliberately allowed this to happen out of spite, but resolves to take a personal interest in Eric rather than let the opportunity slip away.
Meanwhile, Eric returns to find Rincewind and offers to release him since he appears to have no powers. But then The Luggage arrives through the circle, convincing Eric that Rincewind is a demon after all. Eric reasserts his three wishes.
On page: Astfgl, The Luggage·Mentioned: Duke Vassenego, Eric Thursley, Rincewind
Section: The First Wish
Rincewind snaps his fingers and transports himself, Eric, and the parrot high above the Disc, where Eric surveys his dominion and demands tribute from the kingdoms of the world. Rincewind tries to get Eric to sign for it in blood, as proper demonic protocol requires, but Eric insists on trying it out first.
Another snap of the fingers deposits them in the steaming jungles of central Klatch, where they discover the Tezuman Empire - a civilisation known for its obsidian craftsmanship, sophisticated calendar, and mass human sacrifices in honour of Quezovercoatl, the Feathered Boa. To Rincewind's astonishment, a welcoming party of Tezumen arrives and grovels before Eric. Because the Tezumen write everything on stone, communication is painfully slow, requiring a stonemason to chisel each exchange. Eric is eventually carried in triumph to the slab city around the largest pyramid, cheered by crowds throwing flowers and stone hats.
On page: Rincewind, Eric Thursley
Section: Tezuman Empire
Eric is enthroned and heaped with jewels by the Tezumen, while Rincewind grows suspicious and wanders into the great pyramid. Inside, he finds a colossal statue of Quezovercoatl and discovers Ponce da Quirm, an elderly explorer imprisoned in a pit, awaiting ritual flaying. Da Quirm has been searching for the Fountain of Youth his entire life and was captured when his expedition reached Tezuman territory.
Meanwhile, Astfgl summons Quezovercoatl to his throne room and discovers the feared god is actually a lowly, six-inch-tall imp who terrorised the Tezumen by appearing only in dreams. Astfgl orders Quezovercoatl to materialise before the Tezumen and tell them to stop the sacrifices and instead improve the lot of their fellow men.
Back at the pyramid, Rincewind reads the carved prophecy covering the walls and realises the Tezumen have been expecting the Ruler of the World - not to worship him, but to express their extreme displeasure at how badly the world has been run. The carvings show precisely what they plan to do to Eric, and to Rincewind. Just as the sacrificial ceremony begins at dawn, The Luggage charges up the pyramid and squashes the newly materialised Quezovercoatl flat. The Tezumen, suddenly godless, adopt the Luggage as their new deity and release their prisoners.
On page: Rincewind, Eric Thursley, Ponce da Quirm, Astfgl, The Luggage, Quezovercoatl
Section: The Tsortean Wars
Rincewind snaps his fingers again, but instead of returning to Eric's room, they materialise inside the famous wooden horse of the Tsortean Wars, thousands of years in the past. They climb out through a hatch in an undignified location and are immediately captured by Tsortean guards, who had been expecting the Ephebian trick all along.
Eric recognises the historical significance of their situation from his classical education. When The Luggage arrives as a second wooden object, the guards rush out to deal with it, and their own guard is talked into leaving his post. Rincewind accidentally opens a side gate for the entire Ephebian army. They are brought before Lavaeolus, the cunning Ephebian captain who designed the wooden horse - a weary, practical man who despises the posturing of the heroic generals.
Lavaeolus leads a small party through a secret tunnel into the citadel, where they find Elenor of Tsort - the woman whose beauty supposedly launched a thousand ships - now a plump, middle-aged mother of at least seven children, having settled down with the Tsortean king during the long siege. Eric is devastated. Rincewind accidentally starts the great fire of Tsort by tripping over the Luggage and dropping a lamp. On the beach afterwards, Lavaeolus confides his dread of the sea voyage home, and Rincewind reassures him without mentioning the ten terrible years ahead. Eric reveals that 'Lavaeolus' means 'Rinser of Winds' - suggesting he may be Rincewind's ancestor.
On page: Rincewind, Eric Thursley, The Luggage, Lavaeolus
Section: The Dawn of Creation
Rincewind snaps his fingers once more and he and Eric find themselves floating in absolute nothingness - no light, no air, no time, no sound. They encounter a small, rat-faced man with a pencil behind his ear who turns out to be the Creator, a craftsman who builds universes on contract. He offers Rincewind an egg and cress sandwich and explains that this particular spot is about to become somewhere in roughly five hundred seconds.
The Big Bang occurs, and the Creator critiques the workmanship with professional disdain. He explains his own approach - doing all his own trees, never sub-contracting, maintaining standards like making every snowflake unique. Meanwhile, Astfgl searches the wrong end of time for the missing pair, encountering Death waiting patiently at the end of the universe. Death reveals that Rincewind is not a demon but a human, sending Astfgl into a towering rage.
The Discworld pops into existence and Rincewind and Eric begin plummeting towards it. The Creator intervenes, adjusting velocities and positions to deposit them safely on a beach. He departs to attend to his other contracts, leaving them stranded at the dawn of creation - the literal fulfilment of Eric's wish to live forever, starting from the very beginning of time.
On page: Rincewind, Eric Thursley, Astfgl, Death
Section: Descent into Hell
Rincewind realises they are stuck at the beginning of time with no way back - Eric's three wishes have been fulfilled to the letter but not the spirit. He gets Eric to draw a reversed magic circle in the sand, and they escape just before Astfgl arrives. The discarded egg and cress sandwich, washed into a rock pool, becomes a catalyst for bacterial life.
They emerge in a cavern before the gates of Hell, decorated with a cheery notice reading 'You Don't Have To Be Damned To Work Here, But It Helps!!!' They are greeted by Urglefloggah, a miserable demon forced to recite corporate welcome scripts by Astfgl's modernisation programme. Rincewind talks his way past the creature by exploiting its resentment of management.
Hell has been transformed from traditional fire and brimstone into something far worse. Instead of physical tortures, the damned endure crushing boredom - a man once pecked by an eagle now listens to it describe its hernia operation, prisoners are shown holiday pictures, and the rock-pusher must first sit through volumes of health and safety regulations. Rincewind and Eric hide on a great treadmill, where they encounter Ponce da Quirm (who died from drinking unboiled water from the Fountain of Youth) and Lavaeolus, who bitterly recounts the ten miserable years it took him to get home. The Luggage catches up and boards the treadmill, driving it faster and faster until it breaks free and crashes across Hell.
On page: Rincewind, Eric Thursley, Astfgl, Ponce da Quirm, Lavaeolus, The Luggage
Section: Escape from Hell
Astfgl catches Rincewind and Eric after the treadmill crashes and drags them to the great hall of Hell, intent on punishment. But Duke Vassenego, the cunning elder demon who has been quietly manipulating events all along, springs his carefully planned coup. He and the other demon lords flatter Astfgl with a promotion to 'Supreme Life President of Hell' - a grandiose title that comes with an enormous office, potted plants, coloured marker pens, a coffee machine, and the all-consuming task of producing a complete analysis of Hell's role, function, priorities and goals.
Astfgl, seduced by the trappings of bureaucratic power, is led away to his new office, effectively neutralised. The demon lords are delighted - they have learned from human management techniques how to dispose of an incompetent leader without violence, simply by promoting him into irrelevance. Vassenego reveals he had been using Rincewind as a distraction to keep Astfgl occupied while the conspiracy matured.
With no one paying attention to them, Rincewind and Eric walk calmly out of Hell, climbing broad stone steps inscribed with good intentions - 'I Meant It For The Best', 'For the Sake of the Children' - and emerge into the world. The Luggage stays behind a while longer, happily tormenting demons in a pit of boiling oil.
On page: Rincewind, Eric Thursley, Astfgl, Duke Vassenego, The Luggage