Making Money
Chapters - Terry Pratchett
Chapter 1: Vetinari's New Assignment
Moist von Lipwig, now a successful and bored Postmaster General, is climbing the Post Office walls at night for thrills. He is caught by coachmen but talks his way out of it. Lord Vetinari summons him and, through masterful psychological manipulation - parking his coach outside the Post Office all morning - goads Moist into accepting a new assignment: Master of the Royal Mint and de facto head of the Royal Bank of Ankh-Morpork.
Vetinari introduces Moist to Mrs Lavish, the elderly widow who controls the bank through her small dog Mr Fusspot. The bank is revealed to be an antiquated institution run by the feuding Lavish family, with a chief cashier named Mavolio Bent who treats numbers as sacred. Adora Belle is away on Golem Trust business, digging up an ancient golem somewhere in the wilderness. Gladys the golem now works at the Post Office, wearing a blue dress and developing opinions from self-help books.
On page: Moist von Lipwig, Havelock Vetinari, Topsy Lavish, Mavolio Bent, Adora Belle Dearheart, Gladys
Chapter 2: Touring the Royal Mint
Moist tours the Royal Bank and the Royal Mint, discovering that the Mint is losing money - it costs more to produce coins than they are worth. He meets Hubert Turvy in the bank's basement, where the young genius has built the Glooper, an enormous glass and copper model that tracks the flow of money through the economy using coloured water.
Mrs Lavish explains the Lavish family dynamics: her stepchildren, led by Cosmo, are scheming to take control of the bank. She holds the controlling shares through Mr Fusspot, and in a dramatic move, she gives the dog - and thus control of the bank - to Moist. The Lavish family is furious. Cribbins, a shabby old man from Moist's past, appears in the background, recognising his former acquaintance.
On page: Moist von Lipwig, Hubert Turvy, Topsy Lavish, Cosmo Lavish, Cribbins, Mr Fusspot
Chapter 3: The Absurdity of Gold
Moist begins to understand the absurdity of banking: the gold in the vault is worshipped but useless, coins cost more to make than their face value, and the entire system runs on belief. He hatches a plan to introduce paper money backed not by gold but by the golems that Adora Belle's Trust has been excavating - living assets that can work and produce value.
Cosmo Lavish intensifies his scheming, hiring lawyers to challenge Moist's control of the bank. Cosmo's obsession with Vetinari deepens as he acquires replica clothing and accessories. Cribbins approaches the Lavish family, offering to reveal Moist's criminal past. Mr Bent watches the changes at the bank with growing alarm, his devotion to traditional banking shaken by Moist's radical ideas.
On page: Moist von Lipwig, Adora Belle Dearheart, Cosmo Lavish, Havelock Vetinari, Cribbins, Mavolio Bent, Mr Fusspot, Pucci Lavish
Chapter 4: Mrs Lavish's Will
Mrs Lavish dies, leaving everything to Moist through Mr Fusspot. Her will triggers a legal storm as the Lavish family challenges the bequest. Moist discovers that Mrs Lavish has also left behind a strange legacy: a key to a safety deposit box containing a golden denture plate that belonged to the previous chairman.
Moist begins designing paper banknotes, using his forger's knowledge of security features. He hires Owlswick Jenkins, the stamp forger who was condemned to death, giving him a new identity and a legitimate job. Mr Bent grows increasingly distressed at the proposed changes, while Hubert discovers that the Glooper can not only model the economy but actually influence it. Adora Belle returns from her expedition with news of a major golem discovery.
On page: Topsy Lavish, Moist von Lipwig, Cosmo Lavish, Mavolio Bent, Hubert Turvy, Adora Belle Dearheart, Mr Fusspot
Chapter 5: The Golden Golems Found
Adora Belle reveals that she has found an army of ancient golden golems buried deep underground, thousands of them, dormant for millennia. Moist realizes that these golems could serve as the backing for a new currency - living assets rather than dead gold. But the discovery also attracts dangerous attention.
Cosmo's obsession with Vetinari reaches disturbing levels as the poisonous ring begins affecting his health. He and his sister Pucci scheme to discredit Moist by exposing his criminal past through Cribbins. Mr Bent suffers a crisis of faith as Moist's radical monetary ideas threaten the foundations of everything he believes about banking and numbers.
On page: Adora Belle Dearheart, Moist von Lipwig, Cosmo Lavish, Havelock Vetinari, Cribbins, Mavolio Bent, Mr Fusspot, Pucci Lavish
Chapter 6: Paper Money Arrives
Moist introduces paper banknotes to Ankh-Morpork, backed by the promise of golem labour. The new money features elaborate designs and security features drawn by the reprieved forger Owlswick Jenkins. The public responds with enthusiasm, while traditional bankers are horrified.
Mr Bent has a dramatic breakdown in the banking hall, his secret past as Charlie Benito, born of the clown dynasty, erupting to the surface. He reverts to his childhood clown persona, performing pratfalls and juggling in the bank. Cosmo's plots intensify, and Cribbins is playing both sides, selling information to the highest bidder. The golden golems begin to stir in their underground chamber.
On page: Moist von Lipwig, Mavolio Bent, Cosmo Lavish, Cribbins
Chapter 7: The Lavishes Strike Back
The Lavish family launches a legal and public assault on Moist, with Cosmo's sister Pucci leading a campaign to expose him as Albert Spangler, the hanged criminal. Cribbins provides testimony, and Moist's past threatens to unravel everything he has built.
Meanwhile, Hubert's Glooper reveals that someone has been manipulating the economy. The golden golems underground are waking up, responding to commands in an ancient language. Adora Belle works to control them through the Golem Trust, but there are forces that want to use the golem army for less benign purposes. Vetinari watches from the palace, playing his own long game.
On page: Moist von Lipwig, Cosmo Lavish, Cribbins, Hubert Turvy, Adora Belle Dearheart, Havelock Vetinari, Mr Fusspot, Pucci Lavish
Chapter 8: Trial of Albert Spangler
Moist faces a tribunal as Cosmo and Pucci Lavish present evidence of his criminal past. The trial becomes a spectacle, with Pucci dramatically reading out Moist's crimes. But Moist turns the situation around with theatrical flair, arguing that he has already been executed for those crimes and that Albert Spangler is dead.
Cosmo's deterioration becomes visible; the poisonous replica of Vetinari's ring has caused his finger to turn gangrenous. Mr Bent, recovering at the Fools' Guild, is revealed to be a natural-born clown of extraordinary talent. The golden golems begin marching towards the city, creating panic. Vetinari orders the bank shut while his clerks audit everything.
On page: Moist von Lipwig, Cosmo Lavish, Mavolio Bent, Havelock Vetinari
Chapter 9: Golems Reach the City
The golden golems arrive at the city and are taken under control. Moist negotiates with Vetinari over their disposition: the golems will serve as the backing for the new paper currency, guaranteeing its value through their labour. It is the greatest con of Moist's career - but also the most legitimate, because the golems really can produce wealth.
Cosmo collapses publicly, his poisoned hand requiring amputation. His sister Pucci is arrested after her tirade at the tribunal. Cribbins disappears into the night. The Lavish family's grip on the bank is broken. Adora Belle and Moist negotiate the terms of golem labour, ensuring the Trust retains oversight.
On page: Moist von Lipwig, Havelock Vetinari, Cosmo Lavish, Cribbins, Adora Belle Dearheart, Mr Fusspot
Chapter 10: Consolidating the Bank
Moist consolidates his position at the bank, introducing modern financial practices while keeping the theatrical flair that made the Post Office successful. Mr Bent begins to recover, finding a way to reconcile his clown heritage with his love of numbers. Miss Drapes, a bank clerk, proves to be a steadying influence on him.
Hubert's Glooper is refined to become a genuinely useful economic forecasting tool. Vetinari secures a small casting-vote share in the railway enterprise being developed by Harry King. The paper money begins circulating through the city, and people accept it because they trust the man behind it - even though that man is, technically, a dead criminal.
On page: Moist von Lipwig, Mavolio Bent, Hubert Turvy, Havelock Vetinari
Chapter 11: Bent at the Fools' Guild
Moist visits Mr Bent at the Fools' Guild, where Vetinari reveals the cashier's full history: born Charlie Benito to a family of clowns, raised by a mother who hated clowning, he suppressed his true nature for decades. Dr Whiteface, head of the Fools' Guild, considers Bent a lost prodigy.
Bent chooses to return to the bank, no longer denying his heritage but channelling his extraordinary timing and precision into his work with numbers. Adora Belle confronts Moist about the golem secret - the ancient command words that control the golden golem army - but Moist refuses to share them for her own safety. The bank reopens to public acclaim.
On page: Moist von Lipwig, Mavolio Bent, Havelock Vetinari, Adora Belle Dearheart, Mr Fusspot
Chapter 12: A Transformed Bank
The Royal Bank of Ankh-Morpork is transformed under Moist's leadership. Paper money circulates freely, backed by the golden golems whose labour generates real value. The Mint begins producing coins efficiently. Hubert's Glooper predicts economic trends with uncanny accuracy.
Vetinari summons Moist to discuss new opportunities, hinting at future projects. Adora Belle and the Golem Trust establish protocols for golem welfare. Gladys, having read a feminist self-help book provided by Adora Belle, begins asserting her independence from Moist's casual requests, declaring she is 'doing it for herself'.
On page: Moist von Lipwig, Hubert Turvy, Havelock Vetinari, Adora Belle Dearheart, Gladys
Chapter 13: Gladys Declares Independence
Gladys declares her independence, refusing to fetch Moist's tea and newspaper after reading a feminist book given to her by Adora Belle. Stanley, now Head of Stamps at the Post Office, continues to thrive. The newspapers report the downfall of the Lavish family and the triumph of the new banking system.
Vetinari arrives at the Post Office to inspect the new automatic mail pick-up mechanism and hints at yet another project for Moist's talents. He takes Moist to visit Mr Bent at the Fools' Guild, where the cashier has found peace with his dual nature. Adora Belle and Moist negotiate the future of the golem army, and Vetinari secures the city's interests with characteristic subtlety. The Glooper delivers one final surprise, and Moist reflects that the greatest trick is the one where everybody wins.
On page: Gladys, Moist von Lipwig, Adora Belle Dearheart, Stanley Howler, Havelock Vetinari, Mavolio Bent, Mr Fusspot, Pucci Lavish