Unseen Academicals
Chapters - Terry Pratchett
Section: Bigger's Bequest
A mysterious event in Ankh-Morpork's Royal Art Museum disturbs a night watchman, who glimpses a glittering lady before she vanishes. At Unseen University, Mr Nutt, a young goblin working as a candle dribbler in the cellars, assists the Candle Knave Smeems during rounds. The university's senior wizards, led by Archchancellor Ridcully, conduct the century-old Megapode hunt, with Rincewind serving as the human Megapode. Ponder Stibbons, the new Master of The Traditions, discovers a troubling clause in Archchancellor Bigger's Bequest: the university must field a football team or lose a large endowment.
Meanwhile, in the Night Kitchen, Glenda Sugarbean manages the below-stairs staff and frets over her beautiful but oblivious friend Juliet Stollop, who has been out at a street football match. Trev Likely, the son of the legendary footballer Dave Likely, works nominally in the candle vats but spends most of his time kicking tin cans. He brings Nutt up to the Night Kitchen for breakfast, where Glenda takes a protective interest in the strange young goblin. Ridcully visits Lord Vetinari at the palace, where both realise they share the same problem: football has become dangerously violent in the streets and must be reformed. Vetinari tasks the university with leading the effort.
On page: Mr Nutt, Mustrum Ridcully, Ponder Stibbons, Rincewind, The Librarian, Trev Likely, Glenda Sugarbean, Juliet Stollop, Havelock Vetinari·Mentioned: Mrs Whitlow, The Bursar
Section: The Shove
The wizards venture out to watch a street football match, accompanied by bledlow Ottomy and Nobby Nobbs. Trev takes Nutt along to the Shove, where Nutt discovers an almost primal connection to the crowd's energy - and proves to be an astonishing physical force, pushing a pudding stall through the packed crowd like a snowplough. Trev catches his first close sight of Juliet and is instantly smitten; she slips him a badge in the colours of the rival Dolly Sisters team. Trev saves Juliet from a falling ball, sheltering her under a cart. Andy Shank, a violent thug who runs with the Dimwell supporters, is introduced as a dangerous presence.
A young Dimwell supporter is killed in the street football violence, which sharpens Lord Vetinari's resolve to act. He invites the captains of the street teams to a formal dinner at the university, planning to impose new rules. Glenda reads the letter to Juliet's father, Mr Stollop, captain of the Dollies. At the university, Nutt and Trev collaborate on making a proper bouncing football - a rubber-cored ball far superior to the traditional cloth-wrapped lump of wood. Nutt continues to read voraciously, driven by an inner compulsion to accumulate worth, a phrase instilled in him by the mysterious Lady Margolotta who arranged his placement at the university.
On page: Mr Nutt, Trev Likely, Glenda Sugarbean, Juliet Stollop, Andy Shank, Mustrum Ridcully, Ponder Stibbons, Nobby Nobbs, Havelock Vetinari, Dr Hix·Mentioned: Lady Margolotta
Section: Juliet at Shatta
Glenda and Juliet visit the Maul, the city's shopping district, where they stumble into Madame Sharn's dwarf fashion house, Shatta. The eccentric Pepe, Madame Sharn's assistant with an ambiguous identity, spots Juliet's extraordinary grace and beauty. Glenda negotiates a modelling fee of twenty-five dollars for Juliet to model dwarf micromail at a fashion show. The results are spectacular - Juliet becomes an overnight sensation, her image transmitted by clacks across the continent. She appears on the front page of the Ankh-Morpork Times and causes a political stir among conservative dwarf grags, though the Low King of the Dwarfs supports the new fashion.
Vetinari hosts the football dinner at the university, where team captains are presented with new, civilised rules for the game. The wizards begin practising football on the college lawns, leading to comically incompetent early attempts - scoring into their own goals, stopping for snacks mid-play, and losing track of which team they are on. Ponder Stibbons serves as referee and delivers a withering assessment. Nutt emerges as the tactical mind behind the university's training, studying the game with the same intensity he brings to everything. Trev and Juliet's romance deepens despite the tribal enmity between their football factions, echoing the story of the star-crossed lovers in the play Starcrossed.
On page: Glenda Sugarbean, Juliet Stollop, Madame Sharn, Pepe, Mustrum Ridcully, Ponder Stibbons, Mr Nutt, Trev Likely, Havelock Vetinari, Mrs Whitlow, Bengo Macarona
Section: What Nutt Really Is
The university's football preparations intensify as Nutt transforms from coach into something more commanding, his physical presence seeming to grow larger with confidence. Professor Bengo Macarona, a visiting wizard with genuine athletic talent, joins the team and proves to be a brilliant player. The Librarian serves as goalkeeper, using his orangutan reach to cover the entire goal. Nutt enforces strict training discipline, even cutting off the wizards' food and tobacco for an evening to build team solidarity.
Glenda investigates Nutt's origins after rumours spread that he is not a goblin but something far more feared - an orc, one of the monstrous soldiers created by the Evil Emperor of the Dark War. She visits Dr Hix in the Department of Post-Mortem Communications and views a terrifying image of an orc in battle extracted from a dead soldier's skull. However, she notices men with whips driving the orcs forward and concludes they were weapons, not monsters by choice. She confronts the prejudice head-on, standing up to the bigoted bledlow Ottomy and refusing to abandon Nutt. Nutt himself struggles with the revelation of his true nature, but Glenda's loyalty and Trev's friendship help ground him.
On page: Mr Nutt, Glenda Sugarbean, Trev Likely, Juliet Stollop, Mustrum Ridcully, Ponder Stibbons, The Librarian, Rincewind, Pepe, Mrs Whitlow, The Librarian, Bengo Macarona, Dr Hix·Mentioned: Andy Shank
Section: The Big Match
Andy Shank's menace escalates as he attacks Trev and threatens Nutt, determined to disrupt the reformed football match. Trev has promised his late mother he would never play football, creating an agonising conflict as the big match approaches. Pepe provides Trev with a secret weapon - underwear made from micromail with a special property called Retribushium that returns any force directed at the wearer back to the attacker. The match between Unseen Academicals and Ankh-Morpork United takes place in the ancient Hippo stadium under new rules.
The game itself is chaotic and thrilling. Trev breaks his promise and enters the field, performing a spectacular move with a tin can that electrifies the crowd. Bengo Macarona scores brilliant goals. Nutt reveals his full orc abilities in moments of crisis. The Librarian makes impossible saves. Juliet, wearing her micromail modelling outfit, becomes a symbol of the new football. The former Dean of UU, now Archchancellor of Brazeneck University, serves as co-referee alongside Ridcully. Trev uses his extraordinary skill with a tin can to mesmerise the crowd and score a remarkable goal, watched by the ghost of his father Dave Likely.
On page: Mr Nutt, Trev Likely, Glenda Sugarbean, Juliet Stollop, Andy Shank, Pepe, Mustrum Ridcully, Ponder Stibbons, The Librarian, Rincewind, Havelock Vetinari, Mrs Whitlow, The Librarian, Bengo Macarona, Dr Hix·Mentioned: Death
Section: Come On If You Think
In the match's aftermath, Andy Shank attacks Trev with a vicious kick, but Pepe's micromail underwear rebounds the force and drops Andy instead. Nutt confronts Andy and, with terrifying orc strength, demonstrates exactly how he could kill the thug - then chooses mercy. The crowd begins chanting 'Orc!' as a taunt, but Nutt faces them down with quiet dignity, rolling up his sleeves and saying 'Come on if you think you're hard enough.' The crowd's hostility transforms into thunderous applause.
The match concludes as the former Dean blows the final whistle, inadvertently channelling the spirit of the legendary gym teacher Evans the Striped one last time. The victorious Unseen Academicals are carried through the city by jubilant crowds. Trev and Juliet find each other in the Night Kitchen, and Trev agrees to continue playing football, honouring his father's legacy rather than his mother's fearful prohibition. Pepe ambushes Andy in an alley and delivers a sharp lesson with a knife and a lemon. In the final scene, Nutt visits Lady Margolotta at Vetinari's palace, his maker and the vampire noblewoman who shaped his education and sent him into the world to prove that orcs can rise above their violent origins. Vetinari and Margolotta discuss the future of the orcs, and Nutt - accompanied by Glenda - stands before them as living proof that people cannot be defined solely by how they were made.
On page: Mr Nutt, Trev Likely, Glenda Sugarbean, Juliet Stollop, Andy Shank, Pepe, Mustrum Ridcully, Ponder Stibbons, Havelock Vetinari, Lady Margolotta, Madame Sharn, Bengo Macarona, Dr Hix