Interesting Times
Chapters - Terry Pratchett
Section: Send Us The Great Wizzard
On the Discworld, Fate and The Lady sit down for a game of Mighty Empires, choosing the Counterweight Continent as their board. The Lady makes the first move by releasing a Quantum Weather Butterfly, the butterfly of the storms. Meanwhile, in Ankh-Morpork, Lord Vetinari summons Mustrum Ridcully to the palace gardens. A Pointless Albatross has arrived from the Agatean Empire bearing a message: pictograms reading 'Send Us Instantly The Great Wizzard'. Vetinari insists they must comply, and Ridcully puzzles over the peculiar spelling.
Back at Unseen University, Ridcully rouses the senior wizards. The Librarian recognises the spelling and fetches a battered old hat bearing the word WIZZARD in sequins. The faculty recall a former student named Rincewind, a wizard of no discernible talent who disappeared during the Sourcery crisis years ago. Despite the Dean's objections, Ridcully seizes on the fact that Rincewind has survived countless adventures and can speak Agatean. Ponder Stibbons, the youngest faculty member, believes his magical calculating engine Hex can locate Rincewind and transport him to the Counterweight Continent.
On page: Fate, The Lady, Havelock Vetinari, Mustrum Ridcully, The Librarian, Ponder Stibbons, The Bursar, The Librarian·Mentioned: Rincewind
Section: Rincewind Recalled
Rincewind is living in blissful boredom on a tropical island, craving potatoes above all else, when three beautiful women arrive offering him companionship. At the same moment, Ponder Stibbons and the wizards at Unseen University lock on to his thaumic signature and teleport him away just as the women are making their pitch.
Rincewind materialises in the Great Hall, dazed and disoriented, and stumbles out into Ankh-Morpork's Sator Square. In a fugue state he devours three of Dibbler's sausages inna bun, weeps with joy, gets coshed by a Thieves' Guild apprentice, and staggers back to the University where The Librarian is waiting with his old hat. Ridcully is fascinated when The Luggage appears, having followed its owner across the ocean, terrifying the senior wizards who remember it from the old days. The Dean hides in the chandelier and the Senior Wrangler wedges himself into a sideboard.
On page: Rincewind, Mustrum Ridcully, The Librarian, The Luggage, Cut Me Own Throat Dibbler, Ponder Stibbons, The Bursar, The Librarian·Mentioned: Twoflower
Section: Lord Hong's Quiet Plan
Ridcully threatens Rincewind with the statutory penalty for impersonating a wizard - being nailed to the Brass Bridge - unless he performs a 'service of great benefit to magic' by travelling to the Counterweight Continent. In the Agatean Empire, the Red Army meets in secret session, celebrating the message they sent requesting the Great Wizard. Two Fire Herb urges them to storm the Summer Palace.
Back at Unseen University, Ponder Stibbons works with Hex to calculate the transfer spell. The magical computing engine is growing in strange ways, developing components no one designed. Rincewind reluctantly agrees to go in exchange for his old job, official wizard status, and a new hat with sequins. The spell fires and Rincewind is launched towards the Counterweight Continent, while a mysterious cannon-like object - a Barking Dog - appears in his place. The fuse is sizzling dangerously before Ponder pinches it out.
Meanwhile, Lord Hong, the ruthless young leader of the Hong family, is introduced flying kites in perfect style. He reveals to Two Fire Herb that he deliberately arranged for the Great Wizard to be summoned, knowing Rincewind is reputedly incompetent and cowardly - the perfect figurehead to undermine the rebellion.
On page: Rincewind, Mustrum Ridcully, Ponder Stibbons, The Bursar, The Librarian, Lord Hong, Two Fire Herb, The Luggage
Section: Meeting Cohen Again
Rincewind materialises on the Counterweight Continent at tremendous speed, ploughing through snowdrifts and scattering a group of soldiers. He finds himself face to face with Cohen the Barbarian, shackled and grinning with his trademark diamond teeth. Cohen is chained with several other prisoners beside a Barking Dog whose fuse was lit - the very cannon Rincewind's arrival displaced.
Rincewind tosses Cohen the keys, and the ancient barbarian dispatches five armed guards in ten seconds with nothing but a chain wrapped around his fist. Cohen explains that he crossed the Hublands ice to seek his fortune in the Empire, where swords are banned for common people. He frees the bewildered prisoners and rides off with Rincewind in tow, heading for Hunghung, which is under a polite siege as the dying Emperor's succession looms.
On page: Rincewind, Cohen the Barbarian
Section: The Silver Horde Gathers
Lord Hong watches the tea ceremony while playing chess against himself. He has secretly been acquiring books and intelligence from Ankh-Morpork, admiring its culture while planning to conquer it. He manipulates the other warlords - Lords Fang, Tang, McSweeney, and Sung - with practiced ease at the Serene Council, fabricating a threat from a foreign wizard to justify increasing his own power.
Cohen leads Rincewind to a hidden gully where the Silver Horde await - a collection of the oldest barbarian heroes alive. Boy Willie has orthopaedic boots because both his legs are shorter than the other. Mad Hamish is in a wheelchair with blades on the wheels and can barely hear. Truckle the Uncivil has LOVE and HATE written on his walking sticks. Caleb the Ripper tries to karate-chop a block of teak. Old Vincent keeps getting confused about the proper order of pillaging.
Cohen introduces Teach, properly Ronald Saveloy, a former school teacher who gave up education for barbarianism. He is trying to teach the Horde chess and civilised behaviour. Saveloy hands Rincewind a pamphlet called 'What I Did On My Holidays' - Twoflower's account of his visit to Ankh-Morpork, which has become a revolutionary text in the Empire. Rincewind rides off alone towards the coast.
On page: Lord Hong, Cohen the Barbarian, Rincewind, Ronald Saveloy, Boy Willie, Mad Hamish, Truckle the Uncivil, Caleb the Ripper, Old Vincent·Mentioned: Twoflower, Havelock Vetinari
Section: Caught By Pretty Butterfly
Rincewind rides through the endless farmland of the Empire, observing its oppressed peasantry who refuse to look up at anyone on horseback. He reads Twoflower's pamphlet, which naively describes ordinary Ankh-Morpork freedoms as astonishing marvels. Guards capture him and he is brought before District Commissioner Kee, who sentences him to palace slavery via an ornamental poem.
A mysterious voice speaking Morporkian coaches Rincewind to kowtow and provides him with a cover story. He notices three black Luggages following the palanquin. The Luggage arrives separately and is confused by encountering its own kind. Rincewind breaks free and runs, finding himself in a village where he stumbles into an examination hall and poses as an invigilator. He escapes into the countryside and eventually is captured again - this time by Pretty Butterfly, who reveals herself as a member of the Red Army. She threatens him with a knife and insists he must be the Great Wizard, regardless of whether he actually is one.
Lotus Blossom and Three Yoked Oxen, other cadre members, bring Rincewind to Hunghung. Butterfly explains the legend: the original Great Wizard led the Red Army of terracotta warriors in One Sun Mirror's conquest. Now the peasants believe the Great Wizard will return.
On page: Rincewind, The Luggage, Pretty Butterfly, Lotus Blossom, Three Yoked Oxen, Ronald Saveloy·Mentioned: Cohen the Barbarian
Section: Storming The Forbidden City
Rincewind escapes from Butterfly and the cadre, fleeing through Hunghung's chaotic street markets. He finds the city overwhelming - stalls, livestock, funerals with firecrackers, and wedding parties all jammed together in a permanent screaming crowd. He inadvertently wanders into the Imperial Square and is confronted by guards, but manages to run for it again.
Meanwhile, Cohen and the Silver Horde approach the gates of Hunghung. Mr Saveloy has been drilling them in civilised behaviour, but their attempt to pass through using a note reading 'WE ARE WANDERING MADMEN WHO HAVE NO PAPERS. SORRY' fails spectacularly. When the guard captain refuses them entry, Cohen kills him, and the rest of the guards are subdued. A guard named Nine Orange Trees helpfully suggests they lock him and his comrades in a cell.
The Horde explores the outer city, where Saveloy tries to teach them about money, markets, and not killing merchants. Caleb panics at being offered food by a gentle cook and nearly chops off a barber's head when touched unexpectedly. They locate the walls of the Forbidden City and Saveloy discovers an ornamental metal drain cover - the entrance to the water supply system that will get them inside.
On page: Rincewind, Cohen the Barbarian, Ronald Saveloy, Truckle the Uncivil, Mad Hamish, Caleb the Ripper, Boy Willie
Section: The Wall Comes Down
Rincewind, recaptured by the Red Army, is tied to a pillar with a sack over his head while the cadre argues about whether to kill him or use him. Two Fire Herb wants him dead, while Lotus Blossom insists he is the legendary Great Wizard. Butterfly manipulates both sides, forcing Rincewind to agree to infiltrate the Forbidden City to rescue Three Yoked Oxen, who has been captured and tortured.
The sack is removed and Rincewind discovers the Red Army is mostly children and teenagers armed with nothing but revolutionary slogans and wall posters. He is horrified. A small girl named One Favourite Pearl has won a medal for putting up posters. Rincewind tries to tell them they cannot fight trained soldiers bare-handed, but they interpret his protests as strategic wisdom.
Brought to the wall of the Forbidden City, Rincewind waves his hands and recites fake Latin, expecting nothing to happen. But a hidden Barking Dog planted by Lord Hong's agents detonates at that exact moment, blowing a massive hole in the wall. The Red Army is stunned. Guards pour through the gap and seize Rincewind, who is dragged off to the Emperor.
Underground, Cohen and the Silver Horde crawl through the water pipes into the Forbidden City, arguing about the indignity of conquering a plumbing system.
On page: Rincewind, Pretty Butterfly, Lotus Blossom, Two Fire Herb, Cohen the Barbarian, Ronald Saveloy, Lord Hong·Mentioned: Three Yoked Oxen
Section: Twoflower In The Cells
Inside the Forbidden City, Cohen and the Silver Horde encounter Six Beneficent Winds, a nervous tax collector, and press him into service as their guide. Mr Saveloy tries to maintain some semblance of civilised behaviour while the Horde repeatedly suggest killing everyone. They force Six Beneficent Winds to write an amended tax document giving a peasant all his rice and a pig.
Meanwhile, Rincewind is thrown into a dungeon where he discovers Twoflower in the next cell. The little man, thinner and grubbier but still relentlessly optimistic, explains the political situation: the Emperor is mad and cruel, the five noble families murder each other for succession, and the Red Army legend has inspired the peasants to believe in a coming revolution. Twoflower describes the myth of the original Red Army - clay warriors brought to life by lightning, commanded by the Great Wizard with a magical kite.
A key turns in the lock but the door doesn't open. Rincewind finds a dead guard slumped outside. He frees Twoflower, then systematically opens every cell, unleashing prisoners and creating chaos. Three Yoked Oxen, beaten but alive, emerges. To Rincewind's amazement, Lotus Blossom throws herself at Twoflower - he is her father. Butterfly is his other daughter.
On page: Cohen the Barbarian, Ronald Saveloy, Six Beneficent Winds, Truckle the Uncivil, Rincewind, Twoflower, Lotus Blossom, Pretty Butterfly, Three Yoked Oxen
Section: Cohen Takes The Throne
Twoflower explains to Rincewind that he wrote 'What I Did On My Holidays' as a simple travel memoir, never intending it to become revolutionary literature. His wife was killed in one of Lord Hong's military actions against Lord Tang, which drove him to support the rebellion. He reveals that the message requesting the Great Wizard was sent without his knowledge.
Cohen and the Silver Horde discover the old Emperor dead in his throne room. Cohen sits on the throne and declares himself Emperor, while Mr Saveloy tries to manage the transition with some dignity. An assassin sent to kill Lord Hong is intercepted and recruited. Lord Hong, learning the Red Army has been captured, reveals that Two Fire Herb was his agent all along - he funded and manipulated the rebellion to give himself an excuse to seize extraordinary powers. When Two Fire Herb reminds Lord Hong of his promised indemnity, Hong folds a paper figure without a head - his wordless death sentence.
Lord Hong orders the warlords to deploy their armies against the seven barbarian interlopers, confident the combined forces of nearly a million soldiers will crush them by morning.
On page: Twoflower, Rincewind, Cohen the Barbarian, Ronald Saveloy, Lord Hong, Two Fire Herb, Pretty Butterfly, Lotus Blossom, Six Beneficent Winds
Section: Court Of The New Emperor
Cohen sits on the Imperial throne and addresses the court with characteristic bluntness. When the Lord Chamberlain declares he would rather die than submit, Cohen takes him at his word with a thrown knife. His successor, Four Big Horns, proves far more adaptable. Mr Saveloy coaches the Horde through the basics of governance, including not killing tax collectors and accepting kowtows.
Rincewind flees through the palace, pursued by guards. He crashes through a garden where an artist named Three Solid Frogs is trying to paint a plate, demolishing the pagoda, the bridge, and the willow tree. Rincewind steals laundry to disguise himself, reluctantly removing his wizard hat. He discovers the Luggage has been behaving strangely - it found the three black Luggages belonging to the palanquin and has been distracted.
Outside the walls, Lord Hong assembles the combined armies of the five families - hundreds of thousands of soldiers - to retake the city. The warlords argue about invisible vampire ghosts, which rumour has already begun to spread through the camps.
On page: Cohen the Barbarian, Ronald Saveloy, Truckle the Uncivil, Rincewind, Lord Hong, The Luggage, Six Beneficent Winds, Boy Willie
Section: The Invisible Vampire Ghosts
Rincewind ventures out into the besieging army's encampment and begins a brilliant campaign of psychological warfare. Drawing on his years of surviving at Unseen University, he understands the power of denial: rather than spreading rumours directly, he approaches soldiers and earnestly tells them there is absolutely no truth in the rumour about 2,300,009 invisible vampire ghosts. He tells people to deny the rumour. He asks them to confirm it is not true.
The Red Army children, led by little One Favourite Pearl clutching her toy rabbit, spread the non-rumour from campfire to campfire. Within hours, the entire besieging army is paralysed with fear about things they have been told do not exist. A formal military proclamation confirming the non-existence of vampire ghosts makes the panic worse.
Rincewind encounters Death sitting with War and his children (Terror, Panic, and Clancy with her Pony Club badge), waiting for the coming battle. Death remarks that on this particular night, even uncertainty is uncertain. Back at Unseen University, Ridcully decides to bring Rincewind home, and Ponder Stibbons begins calculating the retrieval spell on Hex.
On page: Rincewind, Death, War, Mustrum Ridcully, Ponder Stibbons, The Bursar
Section: Night Before The Battle
Lord Hong counters the ghost rumour by declaring that a billion ancestral ghosts of the Empire will fight on their side. He retreats to his private chamber and opens a secret box, revealing a full Ankh-Morpork gentleman's outfit - pointy boots, hose, doublet, cloak with silk lining, and a feathered hat - which he dons before his mirror, dreaming of the day he will walk down Broadway as its conqueror.
The Silver Horde spend the night before battle in quiet contemplation. Cohen, Boy Willie, Truckle, Caleb, Mad Hamish, and Old Vincent share stories of dead comrades and argue about what happens after death. Mr Saveloy begs them to flee through the pipes, but the Horde will not run. Cohen explains that heroes cannot be seen to run away - children believe in their stories. Truckle points out that six against five armies is not just legendary, it is mythological.
Rincewind, chased by soldiers through the countryside, falls into a hole in the great mound behind Hunghung. In the darkness, he discovers he is in a vast underground tomb filled with terracotta warriors - the original Red Army.
On page: Lord Hong, Cohen the Barbarian, Ronald Saveloy, Boy Willie, Truckle the Uncivil, Caleb the Ripper, Mad Hamish, Old Vincent, Rincewind·Mentioned: Havelock Vetinari
Section: The Tomb Of One Sun Mirror
At dawn, the armies of the five families advance on the Silver Horde. Cohen and his men face overwhelming odds. Mr Saveloy, fired up by imagining the enemy as head teachers, sports masters, and boys who chew gum, charges screaming into battle. The Horde fights with extraordinary economy of movement, always where they need to be, never where a sword is.
Deep inside the burial mound, Rincewind explores by matchlight and discovers the tomb of One Sun Mirror himself, along with magical armour. He puts on the helmet, which shows him what distant warriors see. The gloves display control pictograms. When he steps into the boots, the entire Red Army of seven thousand terracotta golems comes to attention with a thunderous crash.
Above ground, millions of Quantum Weather Butterflies stream across the sky, drawing a massive storm. Lightning strikes the iron pagoda atop the mound, and electricity surges through the underground chamber, filling ancient glass globes with captured lightning. The Red Army, powered by lightning stored for three thousand years, begins to move. Rincewind raises his arm and seven thousand clay warriors raise theirs. He makes a rude gesture and seven thousand terracotta middle fingers stab toward the ceiling.
On page: Cohen the Barbarian, Ronald Saveloy, Boy Willie, Truckle the Uncivil, Caleb the Ripper, Mad Hamish, Old Vincent, Rincewind, Lord Hong
Section: The Red Army Rises
The terracotta Red Army erupts from the mound and marches into the battle. The combined imperial armies, already terrified by rumours of invisible ghosts, break and flee before the clay warriors. Cohen seizes the moment, claiming the sign of the butterflies and the Red Army as his own divine endorsement.
In the Forbidden City, the Horde pushes through to the inner gates. Mr Saveloy has an inspired moment when guards say they would rather die than betray their Emperor - he shouts 'Then open the gates and let him through!', declaring Cohen is the Emperor. Cohen issues his first decrees: no more kowtowing, all prisoners freed, all torturers beheaded, every peasant gets a free pig.
Twoflower finds Rincewind stuck in the mud on the battlefield, with snow falling only on him from a tiny personal cloud. One of the terracotta warriors has written 'HELP HELP ITS ME IM OUT HERE' on a wall. The warriors are breaking down - some walk in circles, some dig pointless trenches, some explode in showers of blue sparks. Twoflower tells Rincewind that Cohen wants him to be Chief Wizard of the Empire.
At Unseen University, Hex has grown overnight, developing a quill pen output system. Ponder Stibbons begins calculating the retrieval spell, but a butterfly's nectar on a glass tube causes a small ant to alter course, introducing an error.
On page: Cohen the Barbarian, Ronald Saveloy, Boy Willie, Truckle the Uncivil, Rincewind, Twoflower, Six Beneficent Winds, Ponder Stibbons, The Luggage
Section: The Barking Dog Returns
Lord Hong emerges from the chaos of the battlefield with a group of soldiers. He seizes Rincewind as a hostage, holding a knife to his throat before Cohen and the Horde on the palace steps. Hong declares that killing the Great Wizard will destroy Cohen's legitimacy.
But at that moment, the UU wizards fire their retrieval spell. Rincewind stretches, snaps, and vanishes with a thunderclap, leaving Lord Hong holding empty air. Twoflower steps forward, his cracked spectacles glinting. He reminds Hong of the skirmish in Bes Pelargic six years ago - where Hong's soldiers killed Twoflower's wife. Cohen throws his sword to Twoflower. Lord Hong draws his blade, sneering at the little man.
Before they can fight, the Barking Dog - the cannon originally sent to Unseen University, now returned with its fuse relit - materialises in the square. It detonates. Lord Hong is obliterated. Mr Saveloy is killed by the blast. Death comes for Saveloy, who is collected by a Valkyrie. She takes him to the halls of feasting, quaffing, and carousing. He asks about starting evening classes in table manners.
On page: Lord Hong, Rincewind, Cohen the Barbarian, Ronald Saveloy, Twoflower, Pretty Butterfly, Lotus Blossom, Death, Mad Hamish, Boy Willie, Caleb the Ripper, Truckle the Uncivil
Section: A New Continent
Cohen appoints Twoflower as his Grand Vizier. Twoflower's first duty: a proper cup of tea in five minutes, no three-hour ceremony. The Luggage parades through the square followed by a slightly larger Luggage and four baby Luggages of descending size, the smallest kicking a stunned bystander in the ear. It gives a few sad backward glances and then canters away at speed.
Fate declares the game a draw, noting that The Lady has lost her most valuable piece - the Great Wizard, who could not survive the transfer back to Unseen University. But the Lady smiles: she never sacrifices a pawn.
At Unseen University, the wizards gather before the far wall of the Great Hall, where a large grey creature has been flattened at five hundred miles per hour. Ponder Stibbons explains that a lateral component in the spell created a triangular transfer: the Barking Dog went to Hunghung, Rincewind went to a third point, and this creature came to Ankh-Morpork. The third point is identified on the atlas as the mysterious continent XXXX.
Rincewind steps from a steaming pond in red desert, where four Aboriginal men lower their spears and greet him with 'G'day, bloke.' They hand him a bent piece of wood covered in dot paintings. Rincewind, refusing to start another adventure, hurls it away and folds his arms - not realising that behind him, the boomerang is already coming back.
On page: Cohen the Barbarian, Twoflower, The Luggage, Pretty Butterfly, Lotus Blossom, Fate, The Lady, Rincewind, Mustrum Ridcully, Ponder Stibbons, The Librarian, The Bursar