Men at Arms
Chapters - Terry Pratchett
Section: Edward d'Eath's Discovery
Corporal Carrot writes a letter home to his adoptive dwarf parents, describing his promotion and the upcoming retirement of Captain Vimes, who is getting married to Lady Sybil Ramkin. The Watch must recruit new members to reflect the city's ethnic diversity.
Meanwhile, Edward d'Eath, the impoverished last scion of an old noble family, buries his father and enrols in the Assassins' Guild post-graduate course, driven by rage at his family's decline. He becomes obsessed with the city's royal history and, after recognising Carrot's resemblance to the old kings, spends months researching in the Guild library. He discovers evidence - including an old royal wedding ring - that Carrot is the heir to the throne of Ankh-Morpork.
Edward presents his findings to a gathering of aristocrats including Lord Rust, Lady Selachii and Viscount Skater, but they dismiss his royalist fervour as the ravings of a romantic. Left alone, Edward retreats deeper into obsession. In most universes, this is where the story ends quietly - but not in this one.
On page: Carrot Ironfoundersson, Samuel 'Sam' Vimes, Edward d'Eath·Mentioned: Lady Sybil Ramkin-Vimes
Section: The New Recruits
Captain Vimes meets with Lord Vetinari to discuss his retirement and potential successors. They rule out Sergeant Colon and Corporal Nobbs, and consider Corporal Carrot.
Colon struggles to train the new recruits: Lance-Constable Detritus the troll, who keeps knocking himself out with his own salute, Lance-Constable Cuddy the dwarf with his cultural weapon, and Lance-Constable Angua, who has mastered everything immediately. Carrot shows Angua around the city, explaining how things work in Ankh-Morpork, and catches the unlicensed thief Here'n'now with a well-timed arm in an alley.
Meanwhile, Edward d'Eath murders a clown named Beano to steal his identity. Death arrives to collect Beano's soul, attempting unsuccessfully to make a joke.
On page: Samuel 'Sam' Vimes, Havelock Vetinari, Fred Colon, Nobby Nobbs, Carrot Ironfoundersson, Detritus, Cuddy, Angua von Uberwald, Death, Beano
Section: Chubby the Missing Dragon
Vimes visits Lady Sybil at the Sunshine Sanctuary for Sick Dragons, where a dragon explodes after failing to take its medicine. Sybil asks Vimes to look out for Chubby, a missing dragon with a blue collar. Meanwhile, the kidnapped Chubby is getting increasingly angry in a box.
Vimes reflects on his impending marriage and the stark contrast between his poverty and Sybil's enormous wealth - she owns approximately one-tenth of Ankh-Morpork. He articulates his 'Boots' theory of socio-economic unfairness: the rich stay rich because they can afford quality that lasts, while the poor spend more on cheap replacements.
Sergeant Colon reads out the evening report and administers the oath to the new recruits. Carrot insists on the proper ceremony, reading the oath including all its archaic punctuation marks. The recruits learn about an approaching clash: dwarf and troll marches are heading towards each other on Short Street.
On page: Samuel 'Sam' Vimes, Lady Sybil Ramkin-Vimes, Fred Colon, Carrot Ironfoundersson
Section: The Assassins' Guild Explodes
Carrot steps between the two ethnic marches on Short Street, ordering dwarfs and trolls alike to stand down through sheer force of personality - what Sergeant Colon calls 'krisma'. Behind Carrot's back, Cuddy and Detritus fight each other, but Carrot orders Detritus to salute, causing the troll to accidentally use Cuddy as a club, knocking them both out.
Then the Assassins' Guild explodes. Vimes rushes to investigate and confronts the Guild, using Lady Sybil's property deed to assert his right of entry. Angua meets Gaspode, a talking dog who reveals he witnessed the break-in: someone used an exploding dragon to blow a hole in the wall, entered the Guild's museum, stole something, and escaped disguised as an Assassin.
Dr Cruces, the Master of Assassins, claims the explosion was caused by fireworks but refuses to say what was stolen. Vimes notices the glass was blown outward (mirrors inside), not inward, and finds the remnants of Chubby's collar on a gargoyle, confirming a dragon was used.
On page: Carrot Ironfoundersson, Fred Colon, Cuddy, Detritus, Samuel 'Sam' Vimes, Angua von Uberwald, Gaspode, Dr Cruces
Section: The Gonne Claims Its First
Edward d'Eath unwraps the stolen device - a long, tube-like thing from a marginal drawing by Leonard of Quirm. It fits his arm perfectly, and he surrenders to its power. Effectively, this is the end of Edward d'Eath as a rational being; the gonne now owns him.
The dwarf craftsman Bjorn Hammerhock examines the device for its new owner, curious about its mechanism of rotating chambers and firing mechanism. He accidentally triggers it and is killed - the first victim of the gonne. Death arrives to collect him, kneeling because of the low dwarf ceiling, and makes another failed attempt at humour ('You'll be Bjorn again').
Colon trains the recruits at the archery butts, where Angua's bowstring keeps getting caught and Detritus destroys every weapon he touches. Vimes and Carrot visit Lady Sybil, who confirms that showing a male dragon its own reflection would cause it to inflate and explode.
On page: Edward d'Eath, Death, Fred Colon, Angua von Uberwald, Detritus, Samuel 'Sam' Vimes, Carrot Ironfoundersson, Lady Sybil Ramkin-Vimes, The Gonne, Bjorn Hammerhock
Section: Old Stoneface Vimes
Lord Vetinari works in his garden amid the absurd landscaping of Bloody Stupid Johnson, including a trout lake that is 150 yards long and one inch wide. Dr Cruces arrives to report the theft and demands Vetinari call off Vimes, but the Patrician pointedly asks why the stolen item was in the Guild at all when he had ordered it destroyed. Cruces falls into the hoho (a concealed ditch fifty feet deep).
The gonne kills Bjorn Hammerhock and his body is dumped in the river. Vimes and Carrot patrol together, and Vimes delivers a passionate speech about why monarchy is wrong, revealing that an ancestor of his - 'Old Stoneface' Vimes - was the Commander of the Watch who beheaded the last king, Lorenzo the Kind, a deeply evil man. They find a museum card reading 'Gonne' hanging from a gargoyle.
On page: Havelock Vetinari, Dr Cruces, Samuel 'Sam' Vimes, Carrot Ironfoundersson, The Gonne, Captain Quirke·Mentioned: Rufus Drumknott
Section: Dinner with the Aristocrats
Vimes attends Lady Sybil's dinner party with aristocrats including Lady Selachii, the Duke of Eorle and Lord Monflathers. They make casually bigoted remarks about dwarfs and trolls while Vimes seethes, satirically agreeing with their prejudices until they cannot tell he is mocking them. Dr Cruces is also present and watches Vimes intently.
Carrot arrives with news - a dwarf body has been found in the river (Hammerhock). Meanwhile, Angua patrols in wolf form, watched by Gaspode who comments on her situation with wry cynicism. Carrot and Angua discover that the dead clown Beano had actually been dead for two days before his body was seen leaving the Fools' Guild - someone was impersonating him.
On page: Samuel 'Sam' Vimes, Dr Cruces, Carrot Ironfoundersson, Angua von Uberwald, Gaspode
Section: Breakfast at Gimlet's
Angua lodges at Mrs Cake's boarding house, a residence for the undead run by a psychic landlady whose precognition often gets conversations out of sequence. Carrot arrives to invite Angua for breakfast at Gimlet's dwarf delicatessen, their relationship deepening. Gaspode provides cynical commentary.
The investigation continues as Vimes and the Watch piece together clues about the gonne. Cuddy demonstrates keen forensic skills, recognising the smell of the weapon's discharge. Colon and Nobby patrol together, discussing dead clowns and Nobby's folk dancing hobby.
On page: Angua von Uberwald, Carrot Ironfoundersson, Gaspode, Samuel 'Sam' Vimes, Cuddy, Fred Colon, Nobby Nobbs
Section: The Pork Futures Warehouse
The entity behind the gonne begins to exert its influence, whispering to its possessor. The weapon has a seductive intelligence of its own - it wants to be used and promises power to whoever holds it.
Cuddy and Detritus are assigned to patrol together, forced to work as a team despite their mutual ethnic hostility. They fall through a hole into the pork futures warehouse, where it is so cold that Detritus' silicon brain begins working brilliantly. The figure with the gonne appears and fires at them - shots ricochet off Cuddy's helmet and puncture Detritus' breastplate.
Vimes is arrested by Captain Quirke of the Day Watch and brought before Vetinari, who orders him to stop investigating. Vimes refuses, and the Patrician strips him of his sword and stands the Night Watch down, though he lets Vimes keep his badge.
On page: Cuddy, Detritus, Samuel 'Sam' Vimes, Havelock Vetinari
Section: Vimes Stood Down
Vimes goes on a bender, devastated by the loss of his command. Carrot and Angua find him in his pathetically bare room and give him Klatchian coffee to sober up. Angua discovers Vimes' private notebook listing payments to coppers' widows and an orphan - nearly half his pay each month goes to supporting them. Her casual assumption that these are payments to women earns a cold rebuke from Carrot.
The stood-down Watch gathers at the Watch House, debating what to do. Colon and Nobby discuss the legend of a king pulling a sword from a stone. Carrot reveals the presentation watch he bought for Vimes' wedding gift - a mechanical timepiece inscribed 'A Watch from, your Old Freinds in the Watch.'
On page: Samuel 'Sam' Vimes, Carrot Ironfoundersson, Angua von Uberwald, Fred Colon, Nobby Nobbs
Section: Carrot Takes Charge
Trolls attack the Day Watch House, and Skully Muldoon comes to the Night Watch for help. Carrot takes charge, invoking ancient laws and swearing in new recruits on the spot, including civilians. He has a revelation about the case - a fool (as in a jester) broke into the Assassins' Guild.
Cuddy and Detritus emerge from their cold ordeal with a transformed relationship - the freezing cold made Detritus extraordinarily intelligent, and Cuddy made him a cooling helmet to preserve this effect. They have become genuine friends, united by shared danger.
On page: Carrot Ironfoundersson
Section: The Secret of the Eggs
Carrot and Angua visit the Fools' Guild to investigate Beano's death. In the Guild's Fool Museum, every clown's face is painted on an egg as a unique identity - a clown's make-up IS their face. Carrot shows the clown Boffo a blank egg, revealing that the killer had no clown face - it was someone from outside who stole Beano's identity.
Carrot pieces together the murder: someone in the Assassins' Guild killed Beano, took his wig and nose, entered the Fools' Guild disguised as Beano, broke through the thin shared wall between the two Guilds, stole the gonne from the Assassins' museum, and walked out again as Beano. Then someone killed him.
On page: Carrot Ironfoundersson, Angua von Uberwald, Dr Whiteface, Boffo
Section: Angua Infiltrates the Guild
Angua volunteers to infiltrate the Assassins' Guild to identify whose room was on the other side of the wall. She transforms into her wolf form and enters the Guild, using her enhanced senses to trace the clues. Gaspode accompanies her, providing moral support and cynical commentary.
Meanwhile, Detritus trains new Watch recruits with terrifying efficiency, now that his cooling helmet has boosted his intelligence. Colon and Nobby reminisce about army days.
On page: Angua von Uberwald, Gaspode, Detritus, Fred Colon, Nobby Nobbs
Section: Edward Already Dead
Angua returns to Carrot's room to change back to human form and discovers her uniform has been stolen by Foul Ole Ron. She and Carrot share a significant moment - he already knows the killer is Edward d'Eath. More importantly, Carrot reveals that d'Eath is already dead, killed days ago, his body found in Beano's clown make-up.
This means someone else has the gonne now - someone who shot at Detritus and killed the beggar girl Lettice Knibbs. The gonne has changed hands, and its new owner is still at large.
On page: Angua von Uberwald, Carrot Ironfoundersson, Edward d'Eath, Detritus, The Gonne
Section: Big Fido's Fall
The Watch traces the gonne's movements through the city's underground tunnels and sewers, where Carrot has studied the ancient maps. Angua and Gaspode encounter Big Fido and his feral dog pack, who are terrorising the city's stray dogs with a wolf-supremacist ideology.
Angua outruns the pack across the rooftops. Big Fido attempts to leap between buildings but his paws cannot grip the wet slates. Gaspode catches him by his collar, but the poodle twists free and falls to his death. Death arrives: 'Big Fido? HEEL.'
On page: Carrot Ironfoundersson, Angua von Uberwald, Gaspode, Big Fido, Death
Section: The Patrician Shot
Dr Cruces, now fully under the gonne's influence, shoots Lord Vetinari at the Unseen University, wounding his leg. Vimes carries the Patrician to safety while Carrot tends to his own shoulder wound.
Sergeant Colon finds Acting-Constable Cuddy's body at the base of the Tower of Art - Cruces pushed him from the top. The killer also fires at Colon, barely missing. Detritus carries Cuddy's body back to the Great Hall, devastated. The troll sits in silent grief, clutching Cuddy's twisted axe.
On page: Dr Cruces, Havelock Vetinari, Samuel 'Sam' Vimes, Carrot Ironfoundersson, Fred Colon, Cuddy, Detritus, The Gonne
Section: Into the Sewers
Vimes and Carrot pursue Dr Cruces into the sewers beneath the city. Carrot announces that they will spread the false story that Edward d'Eath has been captured, to flush out the real killer. Vimes puts on a borrowed helmet and takes up a sword, ready for the chase despite it being his wedding day.
Nobby guards the wounded Vetinari, while Angua tracks Cruces' scent through the tunnels in wolf form.
On page: Samuel 'Sam' Vimes, Carrot Ironfoundersson, Dr Cruces, Nobby Nobbs, Havelock Vetinari, Angua von Uberwald
Section: Angua Shot in the Tunnels
Vimes confronts Dr Cruces in the sewers. Cruces admits to killing Edward d'Eath and claims the gonne itself killed Hammerhock and the beggar girl - it was jealous, it didn't want more gonnes made. Cruces insists Ankh-Morpork needs a king and addresses Carrot as 'sire'.
Angua leaps at Cruces in wolf form but is shot four times. Vimes counts six shots - the gonne is empty - and gives chase. He and Carrot follow Cruces up through ancient cellars, back into the Assassins' Guild itself.
On page: Samuel 'Sam' Vimes, Dr Cruces, Carrot Ironfoundersson, Angua von Uberwald, The Gonne
Section: Personal Isn't the Same as Important
Vimes wrestles the gonne from Cruces and feels its seductive power - it whispers to him, urging him to shoot everyone and 'clean up the world'. He blasts through doors and terrorises Assassin students as the gonne drags him through the Guild. He corners Cruces in his office.
The noon bells begin. Vimes waits - his badge identifies him as a guard, and a guard cannot commit murder. But when noon passes, he will be a civilian, free to act. The mechanical watch Carrot bought begins its tiny chime, more accurate than all the city's bells. Carrot arrives and orders Vimes to put the gonne down: 'Personal isn't the same as important.'
On page: Samuel 'Sam' Vimes, Dr Cruces, Carrot Ironfoundersson
Section: Carrot Refuses the Crown
Vimes drops the gonne. Cruces shows Carrot a leather satchel full of evidence proving Carrot's royal lineage - birthmarks, prophecies, genealogy, even his always-sharp sword. Carrot reads the documents calmly, then Cruces snatches up the gonne again.
Carrot steps between the gonne and Vimes, draws his sword, and kills Cruces with a single thrust that passes clean through the Assassin and through a granite pillar behind him. He then picks up the gonne and smashes it against the wall. 'One of a kind is always special,' he says.
Detritus smashes down the Guild gates to rescue them. Carrot carries Angua's body out, insisting that the body of Cruces must be seen publicly - 'Things mustn't happen in the dark, or behind closed doors.'
On page: Samuel 'Sam' Vimes, Dr Cruces, Carrot Ironfoundersson, Detritus, Angua von Uberwald, The Gonne